Motivation
TL;DR
I lack motivation and I need some ideas/projects to do on my free time.
Motivation is a thing that one doesn’t get very easily
Normally, I try to keep myself occupied by doing short/long projects using #typescript or draw stuff like my usual #femboyfriday drawing. But recently, I found myself doing nothing but binge YouTube videos most of the time, since I don’t have motivation to keep myself on doing those projects that I love.
Many things have been happening to me, mostly stuff that has to do with school and well, personal things such as ahem, ME REALIZING THAT I WOULD LIKE TO BE A FEMBOY AND WEAR FEMININE CLOTHING (more on that later)
Anyway, being motivated has been very hard these days, like, very, very much impossible. I used to try and make small projects that wouldn’t take much time to do and that I would like doing, but that won’t help me any more.
Chatting
Chatting is one of my favourite pass times. In fact, if I am not:
- Drawing
- Coding
- Playing games
- Watching Videos
- Shitposting on Miruku
I am probably on Revolt, chatting about, let’s say, how “apple sucks ass” and “google is the best thing that exists”.
But it doesn’t help my motivation. Although I like seeing other’s creations on social media and I try to be as friendly as possible (that means no hurting someone’s opinions/being a meanie), I feel like I am not capable of doing anything that works or that is actually useful to anybody around the world.
The one thing I am fully proud of is this blog. This is my home. I like this place and I don’t want to stay away from it…
Projects and Workspaces
When I actually have motivation, I usually work on semi-small projects that aren’t time-consuming, but recently, Solenoid, my Revolt client, has taken me a lot of my free time. I have spent a total of 48 hours working on solenoid at the time of writing this article, and 3 hours and 41 minutes this week.
That is a lot of hours. (At least for me)
Those other projects are things that don’t really make sense or are just very small things that remain unused for years or just get small patches. Those projects include TF2Clock, Orerereo and I would include this blog but hey, at least I try to come up with interesting blog posts that you (yes, you cutie bastard <3) can read without cringing over them.
My workspace is also something that demotivated me too much.
Some of you may ask:
Don’t you use something like Windows or macOS?
Ha!
I don’t because then this laptop would be a complete waste of money. As explained in the previous post and this post, I run Linux, and I switch from distribution to distribution, never really finding that juicy sweet spot that makes me stop distro hopping all together.
I switch distros every month, with some exceptions. And my favourite things to do on Linux is customizing my experience to be as “productive” and “efficient” as possible, which I could reach with a window manager like I3 (Which I am currently using to write this post), BSPWM (My fav), QTile, Hyprland, etc… but I don’t reach the same level of efficiency while using a window manager or using your normal Desktop Environment like KDE or Gnome. In fact, I don’t even feel the difference.
I also love playing with colour schemes. Right now, I am using a colour scheme I generated from a site called terminal.sexy that I really enjoy looking at, but I overuse colour schemes to the point that I just end up using the default look of the desktop environment/window manager.
My workspace is truly a bunch of spaghetti and tomato sauce. I have way too many packages installed that I don’t even end up using, but I don’t uninstall them because I depend on them for some reason and I don’t even use the applications that I must use because that requires me to have some bit of motivation leftover from my brain.
Mind problems
I am having trouble maintaining myself.
That’s the main reason I am making this blog post.
I am having trouble focusing on the things I need to really focus on, for example, I am in a Maths exam and the first thing I do when I don’t remember a formula or the answer is to draw the first thing that comes to my mind, completely shifting my focus from the exam to the small drawing in the top left corner of the first page of the exam.
Another thing that happens to me a lot is that my focus shifts from someone trying to talk to me, and then I just zone out for a whole 2 minutes. Completely ignoring the person I am currently trying to pay attention.
Which makes me think that I might have ADHD, but I haven’t tested myself yet, so I can’t really say that kind of thing, so please take this with a grain of salt.
Another thing that has been invading me recently is that I’ve been thinking about wearing girly clothes and be as feminine as possible while still being a boy (aka. being a femboy). And that’s becoming a recurring issue with me for the past 2 months.
I love men as much as I love women (but I do prefer men to women), but this urge to be as girly as possible is shifting me away from my bisexuality, which usually hints towards me being a transfem (Men to Women) and I already have way too much trouble hiding away my bisexuality so just imagine how hard It must be to hide my Transsexuality to both Mum and Dad. I am awful at maintaining secrets for way too long, and It has happened that when I tell secrets to some of my friends on my friend circle, that secret somehow leaks and then everyone knows about my current situation.
Furthermore, I already told my friends about my bisexuality and I told my “best friend” (I don’t really have best friends, but he is really open, and I trust him enough to hold that secret for me) about my secret urge.
So, What I am asking for?
I need ideas for me to stay motivated and to stay creating.
People say that I am really creative and that I have potential to do anything I wanted to do, which is obviously not true because all they see is the “good” part of you, they don’t see the part that you are trying to hide so badly to everyone.
So if you are kind enough to leave me “small and easy” projects that I might enjoy doing, please, send me a DM with the idea over at @stationarystation or my Reddit account, it might help me with being motivated again.